I found McCoy's communicator...

Yes that's right, Kirk is awesome. 

I wanted to come back and visit what I touched on briefly in my post about the day that my abuse started. That it was Doc, my abuser, who first introduced me to Star Trek and that it became a world changing, life saving experience for me. 

"It's just a show!"

No, not for me it wasn't. And even today, it is my refuge when I'm down or stressed or when I've been triggered. Star Trek is my reset button to be able face the world again.

It's difficult for people who have not been raised in rigid Christianity or in my case, strict fundamentalism, to fully comprehend how very, very sheltered I was. I've read and heard well-meaning Christians say how good it is to shelter their children from all "worldly" things. Sheltering their children is almost a mandate in many circles, it was in ours. Jesus you see, was our "shelter in the time of storm" and parents needed to emulate all things Jesus. (Even now I hear the chorus ringing in my head as I write that, though in our church we never would have had any "gospel" style singing as is in the video I just linked to, and I sadly never attended a church growing up that had that many African-American people attending, much less singing with that much soul!) I'm not saying that keeping your children safe or making sure that they are watching or reading age appropriate material is bad, but that over sheltering is not good. Instilling a hyper vigilant fear of the evils in the outside world and government is not healthy.

I joke with my husband that I was cloistered. He will make pop culture references or song references and I have no idea what he is talking about, even though he is only a few years older than me. He too grew up in a Christian home, but TV viewing and music choices were not censored like mine were. He went to a public school, I went to a small private fundamental Baptist school. He got to wear whatever was in fashion, I wore what was in fashion thirty years prior (with the exception of those loud oversized 80's sweaters, I rocked those). He went to the movies. I eventually snuck out to see my first movie in the theater when I was 16. He dated several people in high school and in his early twenties. I dated one man, and then married him,with both of us basically under threat of excommunication if we didn't (we divorced five years later). 

Guess which one of us is the more balanced person psychologically and socially? Hint: It isn't me. Granted, a lot of my issues are also heavily influenced by my years of abuse, but my upbringing caused me to be socially stunted and inept with anyone outside of the IFB community for years. I still have a lot of social anxieties, but I have gotten much better.

The first episode of Star Trek that I ever saw is still my favourite. It was titled, "A piece of the action".

(If anyone knows who the artist of this is, I'd happily link to them and give them credit.)

In that episode, Kirk, McCoy, and Spock beam down to a planet that is filled with a people who are enthusiastic imitators. The last landing party from the Federation had accidentally left behind a book on Chicago gangsters from the thirties. As a result, the entire planet's population had started following "the book" and dressed like gangsters, talked like gangsters, even set up rival gangs to govern the respective territories under bosses.  At the end of the episode, after the enterprise has left, we find that Dr. McCoy has left behind his communicator, which of course raises concerns about how his leaving that behind might contaminate the planet in the future? How would that communicator influence the culture and growth of that planet?

I couldn't help but notice some similarities between this particular episode and the church. We also followed, "the book". We dressed a certain way which was taught to be book approved. We talked a certain way, which was book approved. We had rival denominations based off of their interpretations of the book. Each denomination had a boss, which of course the book actually called a pastor. Also, in both worlds, the fictional star trek one of this episode, and in mine, the men were in charge and the women seemed to be mostly decoration or there to serve the men. I suppose the difference was that the women did all seem to be packing heat in "a piece of the action" so they at least had some chutzpah and a means of defending themselves.

Now, I highly doubt that the genius that was Gene Roddenberry produced that episode with that analogy in mind, but who knows?

 

Aside from what I noticed during that episode and how entertained I was by it, there was something amazing that happened when I sat there next to doc on the love seat in his house. 

He didn't touch me.

I thought maybe it was just dumb luck. When my parents were around he didn't overtly abuse me of course, but he'd put his arm around me, hug me, kiss my cheek, kiss my head, run his fingers through my hair, tousle my hair, hold my hand, set his hand on my leg casually, or sit really close to me. Those sorts of touches were how he slowly started grooming me, getting me used to him entering my personal space before he started abusing me. It was also how he managed to blind my parents into thinking he was just a loving grandfather-type to me.

Parents, don't ever let a non relative touch your child like this. Even with relatives, keep an eye on that sort of thing. Most child abuse, sexual and otherwise, is perpetrated by people that the child knows and initially trusts. It's often by family members. Mine was not blood family, but he was practically family as much as we were around him and how close he and his wife were to my parents.

I cannot stress this enough... let your child say no to ANY unwanted physical contact. Don't force them to shake hands or hug someone that they don't want to. Respect your child enough to not try to make them shake hands or hug or kiss someone just to be polite or loving. I don't care if it embarrasses you. Even though Voddie Baucham might think shyness is a sin, or a child not shaking hands with him is a sin, it isn't. He's wrong for even saying it, and by saying something like that when so many follow him, who knows what further damage he may have perpetrated. There were times where I tried to not hug, or hold hands, or give a kiss to, or get a kiss from my abuser. If my parents were around when this happened, they insisted that I do it. They did not know that he was abusing me, but they were enforcing to me the idea that my body was not my own and that I had no right to deny him physical contact with me.

What's more amazing about Star Trek is the fact that my abuser NEVER touched me when Star Trek was on, ever. It continued on that way over the next three years. If Star Trek was on, he might sit next to me and watch it, but he didn't touch me. When we'd watch a Star Trek movie, same thing. When the Next Generation came on the scene, yet another opportunity arose for me to escape him.

When I discovered Star Trek books, he'd leave me alone if I was reading one, other than perhaps asking me what it was about. But otherwise, he seemed to respect the sacred Trek time. I took to buying every trek book that I could get my hands on. I received an allowance at that time of 2.00 a week, and so every two weeks, I could afford a new Star Trek book. Each book represented another shelter in my time of storm. I bought star trek models to build, and started hanging them in my room and placing them on my dresser. They were sort of like sacred talismans to me. I really hoped they would keep him out of my room. Alas, they didn't work to that effect unfortunately but they still were comforting...and awesome! 

I also started writing my own fan fiction around age 11 where in my Star Trek universe, I was the Captain, I was in charge of the Enterprise, and as Doc furthered his advances and I learned more about sex, I also was in charge of my sexuality in my Star Trek world. In that world, I could not only say no to any man who dared touch me without my consent, I could vaporize him, have him court martialed, or have him beamed out into space. Conversely, I could have loving boyfriends/lovers who respected my boundaries and who loved me for who I was and found my strengths admirable, not something to be quashed or feared. In Star Trek, I was alive! 

I kept my fan fiction under lock and key, literally. I had a three ring binder that I drilled a hole through and put a numerical padlock on so that my parents couldn't open it. I ended up with a second one when we moved to PA so that I could add more adventures to it with my new Trekkie friends. But again, it was padlocked.

If my parents had opened that three ring binder and had read any of my stories, I would have been in big trouble. They were not G rated, or PG rated, more like R or X rated. My language got progressively courser and the sexual themes more intense as I wrote. I'd love to think that if my parents had actually read them that they would have been alarmed and maybe put two and two together but I'm fairly sure I just would have been in big trouble for writing such things.

Star Trek opened up a whole new world for me. Not only did it provide actual safety and solace, but also it introduced me to various races working together side by side. It introduced women as equals to men and in positions of authority. It introduced me to the concept of infinite diversity, in infinite combinations as a good thing. It made me ponder philosophical questions, "Were the needs of the many, worth more than the needs of the few, or the one?" I saw men in dresses on the Next Generation, I saw the pointlessness of racial discrimination and violence on the original series. I saw Riker start a romantic relationship with someone who was androgenous and have that androgenous being be persecuted for daring to love someone who wasn't the accepted sexuality in her culture for her to be attracted to. I saw how that crushed Riker and how awful it was for that androgenous being when they reprogrammed it. I saw Picard stand up against a witch hunt on board his ship and call out what he saw as evil for being just that, regardless of how "good and respected" the witch hunter was. I saw Kirk date an awful lot of ladies and yet he was still a good man. I was exposed to humanism, evolution, equality, a differing view on history,  and a slew of other concepts.

Star Trek was my saving grace. It was a Saviour to me when the Saviour I was hoping would swoop in and save me didn't seem to be answering my prayers. Who knows, perhaps Star Trek was the only way for me to see a glimpse of God's love for me during those dark days?

Star Trek was my McCoy's communicator. It changed me when I found it, gave me hope and a reason to keep on living when despair, shame, guilt, and humiliation tore into my soul with a grip so tight I couldn't breathe. It challenged me, it helped me to grow and survive.

I owe a great debt of gratitude to all of those involved in Star Trek. They don't know it, but all of the actors, writers, producers, directors, stage hands, etc. kept me going for many years, and still help me to this day when the world is bleak around me. They helped, even if only for brief respites, a little girl to have a reprieve from her abuser. It changed my life, it made me a better person, it gave me comfort, and it saved my sanity.

My fifth grade school picture. Here is one red shirt that survived!