We never had "the talk". Well, my mother attempted it once, when I was 16, but it was a disastrous attempt. And quite frankly, by the time I was 16, it was much too late. She and I were in the parking lot at K-Mart, about to go inside for some shopping when she asked me if I had any questions about sex. I was mortified. No, I insisted, I did not have any questions, I already knew everything. She seemed shocked. "Everything? What does that mean? Have you...?" "No Mom, I haven't! Now please, let's drop it." Mercifully, she did. K-Mart parking lots are not optimal locations for beginning sex talks with your teens.
You see, in my family, we didn't talk about sex. Ever. I didn't know the proper terms for body parts until Doc started molesting me and told me what they were. I got my formative sex education from him unfortunately. I wish my mother had set aside some time to sit down with me, in a normal setting, to talk to me about my body, and a man's body, and the mechanics of sex as well as birth control. And, that conversation should have started when I was much younger. But, that didn't happen.
My sister was the one that let me in on what a period was. I didn't get my period until much later, when I was 16, which was probably what prompted my mother to suddenly decide that she needed to have "the talk" with me. My sister in earlier years, being seven and a half years older than I was, told me all about them. The monthly curse, she called it. Told me about pads and how long the bleeding lasted and about monster cramps and bloating. Lovely. I was also told that my mother would not allow us to purchase tampons because we were maidens and nothing was supposed to go up there until our wedding night.
I didn't quite get that logic, and neither did my sister. My sister did eventually get my mom to allow her to purchase some on occasion if she was going swimming but my mother wasn't thrilled about it.
My sister did get "the talk", about the time that she got her first period. She related this experience with me, and it wasn't great. Most kids are a bit embarrassed to talk to their parents about sex, that's normal to an extent. My mom gave her some Christian based book about being feminine and told my sister that sex was "pleasant". To this day, my sister and I will giggle about things that are "pleasant".
The other place that I got my early information about sex was from the church. It was preached that women should always give in to their husband's desires, unless it was for a time of prayer and fasting that the two of them had agreed upon beforehand. If a woman denied her husband, it was a sin, and she was setting him up to have an affair. If he had an affair, it was fair game for him to blame his wife for being unavailable or unattractive to him. There was absolutely no room for sex outside of marriage, or for masturbation. Masturbation was an evil because of the possibility of your thought life during the act being questionable and sinful. Homosexuality was an abomination, and often the result of demon possession.
There was a great deal of pressure put on all of us girls in particular to stay pure. Purity culture is not a new thing, it's a very old thing. I know, I lived it. As a girl, it was my responsibility to save my vagina for marriage at all costs. It was also my responsibility not to cause any of my Christian brothers to "stumble" by how I dressed. If I tempted them by my dress, it was my fault that he had impure thoughts or had pressed his desires upon me. It's a lot of pressure.
A lot of pressure.
By the time I was 12, I still considered myself a virgin, since Doc had not, in my view, raped me yet. In my IFB viewpoint, because he had not penetrated my vagina with his penis, I was still a virgin.
Looking back now, that is not at all the case. Making another person perform oral sex or performing oral sex on them is rape. Masturbating another person or having them masturbate you against their will is rape.
But, my sheltered upbringing did not prepare me for what was going on. It would have been good to have the following information:
- What were the proper names of body parts?
- When is it ok for someone else to touch your body?
- When is it not ok for someone else to touch your body?
- What is oral sex?
- What is masturbation?
- What is anal sex?
- What constitutes sexual assault or sexual abuse?
- What is menstruation?
- When can a girl get pregnant?
- What are STI's and how do you prevent them?
- What is an orgasm?
- What happens when a woman orgasms?
- What happens when a man orgasms?
- What is pornography?
- What is homosexuality?
- What is abstinence?
- What is casual sex?
- What are sex toys?
- What are the slang terms for various types of sex and body parts?
- What happens when a woman gives birth?
Please parents, I implore you, talk to your children about all of these things. And start young. Always use the proper terminology with them for body parts. From the very beginning do this. Predators will use your child's innocence against them if you don't do this. As the child grows and starts asking more direct questions, provide direct answers. By the time your child is ten, they should know the answers to all of the above questions.
You might be thinking that you can't address all of that with your child without being embarrassed by the subject matter.
Get over it.
If you don't do it, someone else will, and you may not approve of how they school your child in sexuality. Trust me, I've had the talk now four times and in a couple years will have that talk with my daughter. Each of my sons have had lengthy discussions with me about sex and we have laid it all out on the table. It's a subject that we can go back to at any time when they have any questions. We have an implicit trust between us that I did not enjoy with my parents. When my sons have had any sexual experience, I have been privy to it. They can tell me anything, without fear of judgement from me. Trust me, it is better to know what is going on with your child than to not know.
I've also made sure that my son's know that No, means No, in any circumstances. I don't care if the girl is stark naked and you're in bed with her if she says no then you stop. They know this, they respect women and would not force themselves upon a woman.
Edited to add: They also know that it is important to have consent and that only yes means yes. Thanks for pointing that out Jen. :)
Having boys has taught me that they are responsible for their thought life, and only they are responsible. They are responsible for their actions, and only they are responsible.
Oh, and one other thing I've made sure to discuss with my sons, is the importance of giving their partner an orgasm. She cums first. I've been very detailed about the female anatomy with them and I hope that by doing so, they have happy, healthy sex lives in the future.
Being the children of a midwife, my children are surrounded by sexuality and birth. Pregnant women and their nurslings come in and out of our home on a regular basis. They are well versed in the nuances of pregnancy and birth. They view pregnancy and birth as a healthy function and not a disease to be treated, but a condition to be monitored and supported. I believe this to also be an essential part of their sexual education.
In closing, talk to your children about sex, every aspect of it. Don't be afraid of the subject! Everyone, even precious little Johnny or Sally, will have sex at some point or another in their life. As with all things, more knowledge is better than none or not enough. Talking to them about sex is not going to make them sexually active or promiscuous. It will empower them about their own body.
