Children at birth

Involving kids during pregnancy makes the process less overwhelming.

I Love having  kids at births! I really do.I have heard that there are some providers in hospital and out that are less than thrilled with their presence at birth and prenatals, but that is a shame. If you want to have your child as part of the experience, I'd encourage you to stand up for your rights to include your family or if not please change providers.

The video below is a homebirth I attended several years ago where there were lots of bystanders to this mama's labor and birth. Her children, her husband, her mother and father, and her sister were all there in the house while she labored. Now, they weren't all in the room with her when she birthed, but they popped in and out periodically. Her sister was a photographer and took the lovely photos that make up the collage in the video. Her family respectfully and quietly inquired how she was doing and asked if anything was needed to be done by them to help? Her children came in and out, and if they were being too boisterous, a family member came and took them downstairs to give their mama space to labor in.

Some moms wouldn't want all of those people around her. I would even say that most moms need lots of privacy, space, low lights or even darkness as they labor to bring forth their baby. This mama needed lots of support, but not necessarily support from others in the same room during her whole labor. 

What I see as working best with parents who involve their children at births is a few things:

An apprentice of mine and a client, during a prenatal.

1- The Parents spend a lot of time prenatally involving their older children in the pregnancy and birth process. A good way to do this is to bring them to prenatal appointments.

2- The Parents show their children books, birth videos, even take them to childbirth ed. classes with them to prepare them for the birth.

3- The Parents answer every question honestly and don't sugar coat the realities of birth.

4- The Parents have another support person at their birth whose sole responsibility is taking care of the children.

5- The Parents allow their child to not attend the birth if the child is asleep, scared, or suddenly not interested, even if they were before.

Now here is why I think those five things are important:

Number one: because having your child come to appointments take some of the unknowns out of pregnancy and birth. They get to know what a doppler is, a fetoscope, tape measure, blood pressure cuff, etc. and what they are used for. They will get to know your midwife or other birth professional and this makes that person someone that they trust instead of someone who just shows up out of the blue and starts poking and prodding at mommy (even if that isn't what is actually happening, it could be perceived this way). This also helps your midwife and birth team get to know your child and their personality.

Number two: because children are sponges, even at toddler ages, they love to learn! What is going on with their Mommy is exciting! They want to know about Mommy's expanding belly and how big the baby is getting inside of her. Nine months to them seems like such a VERY long time! Reading books and watching videos about pregnancy and birth helps to answer their questions and show them the realities of birth.

Number three: because honesty is always the best policy. Using proper terminology of body parts, tell the child what is going to happen during a birth. Tell them about mommy's expanding belly, how her breasts will make milk for the baby, and that the baby will come out of mommy's vagina. You should also tell them that sometimes mommy needs some extra help and she may need to have a surgical delivery. Let them know about bodily fluids, sounds, and smells that they may see during labor and delivery.

Number four: because during labor, the mom needs to focus fully on herself and her new baby. She is doing a fierce work and needs to stay in "laborland" as much as possible. Having a support person there who can get the child a drink, snack, put them to bed or just entertain them is essential to allowing the mom to stay in the moment and not get into "mommy mode".

Number five: because children deserve respect as well. If you child is tired, let them sleep. If they get scared or change their mind, let them relax somewhere else.

Another great reason for involving your child in your pregnancy and birth is because it is the perfect way to educate them on the process. In our modern society, children often go their whole lives not really knowing what is involved in pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum. Take the mystery out of these events and include your children!

Duggary Buggary

Unless you live under a rock, chances are you have heard about the Josh Duggar debacle. Josh is the oldest of the 19 children of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. He is also the now former executive director of FRC action. FRC action is the legislative branch of the Family Research Council. 

In a nutshell (though I included the link to the original story above), Josh molested four of his younger sisters and one other girl from another family.  He was 14, 15 at the time. His youngest victim was 5.  He fondled their genitals, buttocks, and breasts, usually while they were asleep but sometimes while reading to them. The Duggars are part of a Christian fundamental Baptist sect with ties to Bill Gothard and the Patriarchial wing of the Quiverful movement. In true Fundamentalist fashion, the abuse was not reported to the proper authorities immediately and therapists specializing in sexual abuse were not acquired. Jim Bob and Michelle first went to their church family about the situation nearly a year after they were made aware of what was happening. The abuse was then told to a family friend after a year who was a police officer. This police officer gave Josh a "stern talking to" and no formal charges were filed. Josh was then sent to work on a church members house to do a few months worth of remodeling as penance for his misdeeds. His statement says that he received counseling and that his victims did as well. 

"Twelve years ago, as a young teenager, I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends," Josh, 27, tells PEOPLE in a statement. "I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing, and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling. I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life." 

Notice the last sentence. "I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life." He understood that he would end up ruining his life. Not his victim's lives, his life. While his actions may not have "ruined" his victims lives, they certainly impacted them negatively, forever. This part of his statement is very telling of the selfishness and entitlement that this young man still has.

I'm reminded of a scene in True Blood where Sookie is intimate with Bill for the first time, and she has a flashback to a time where her uncle fondled her as a child and it interrupts the mood. She relates to him about the incident and tells him that she can't help it, that she can still feel him touching her when Bill touches her and that she hates that. Bill holds her close and tells her that she is safe with him, that he is honored that she would share herself with him after that happened to her. I realize that True Blood is fiction, but the scene is commonplace for abuse survivors. That scene struck a chord with me when I saw it several years ago because that is a very real struggle for those of us who have sexual abuse in our past. Sadly, I can confirm that this sort of thing happens to me quite often. I don't always express it to my husband, because by now I am so used to it that I brush it aside and go forward, knowing that that feeling will subside or dissipate most of the time. If it doesn't, I let him know and we stop.

And then Bill has him some Uncle Pedo as a snack later.

I think of those little girls in their beds at night before it was all revealed, the fear that must have gripped them nightly, wondering if their brother would be visiting them again? Then I think of when it was revealed to the parents, and how they momentarily may have thought that something might be done, only to have to endure Bill Gothard style counseling where they were asked what they may have done to entice their brother to sin and then asked to repent of that. I imagine these things, and imagine how they were made to forgive him because not doing so would be a sin, and I am so sad for those beautiful little girls. I am angry at their parents for not protecting them from their abuser, for making them continue to live under the same roof with him when he was not getting proper counseling.

I have had some people ask me why we shouldn't forgive him of this mistake. After all, we all make mistakes as kids, as teens, and we don't want that to follow us our whole lives, do we? There are some big problems with this logic.

First, this was not a "mistake". This was five different girls, all of whom were more than three years younger than him (Arkansas state law states that if the victim is three years or more younger than the perpetrator, then it does not matter the age of the perpetrator or if they are related, they have committed a crime.) Penetrating or parting the labia is considered sexual assault in Arkansas, as it should be.Therefore, Josh is a criminal. A criminal who his parents protected above their daughters. A mistake is smoking in the boy's room at church. A mistake is doing this maybe once, with one person, realizing how awful it is that you did that, and never doing it again. A mistake is shoplifting candy from a store. A mistake is playing hooky from class. This was not a mistake. This was a predator, even though he was young, preying on young girls for his own sexual pleasure and curiosity.

These dresses, those are mistakes, yikes!

The next thing that has been brought up is what would you do if this happened in your family? What if it were my son? I can answer this, quite honestly, being the mother of five boys and one daughter. I would call the police on my son if I found out that he had been molesting his little sister and had done it to four other girls as well over a period of nearly 2 years. No questions about it. I might not even call, I might simply take him down to the station. It would be hard, it would be heartbreaking. I would go to his trial if there was one, I would agree to let him get whatever treatment that was offered. I would not bring him home. He would either have to go into the system or go to a relative's house. He could not come home with me, maybe not ever again. Most likely not ever again. I would always love him, but I would not support him like I would my other children. I would get my daughter therapy and would not expose her to her brother ever again unless she specifically requested it.

The last thing I have heard is that this happened over a decade ago. So? Your point is? When it happened is immaterial. In fact, if anything the fact that it happened before the show was signed into contract but they kept that a secret while portraying themselves as living the ideal christian life is disgusting. This one is tied in with a "poor Duggars, they forgave Josh a long time ago now you are persecuting them and exposing his victims!" Just stop. I'll address the forgiveness angle a bit later. I'm not persecuting them and no one else is either. They should be called on this abysmal behaviour. They should be exposed for the frauds that they are. Christians should not back up other Christians who break the law so blatantly and who so fundamentally disrespect women like this group does. These people are hypocrites who won't let their daughters go on a date alone or kiss before their wedding day but make them stay in a house with a known child molester.

People are having a hard time seeing a 14, 15 year old boy as a criminal. I get that. He was a teen, he was not a man. He was also sick and did not get help. He now has little girls. Let that sink in. He is now a grown man with daughters the age of some of his victims. Repeat offenses are low in young people who get help with pedophilia, the same can not be said for those who do not get help. If anything, the way this was handled would have helped him to see how to better hide what he does and then how to get out of it if he is discovered.

Too soon? Michelle Duggar did a robocall trying to get people to vote against allowing transgendered people to use the bathroom of the gender that they identify as, because they might sexually assault your child. 

The revelations on Josh Duggar were not particularly shocking to me. There have been rumors about this possibility circulating the internet for years. I haven't addressed them before because they were just that, rumors. I'm not interested in rumors, I'm interested in facts. 

I'd suggest reading the following links:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2015/05/what-you-need-to-know-about-the-josh-duggar-police-report.html

and
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/leavingfundamentalism/2015/05/22/josh-duggar-apologised-so-what/

and the best timeline laid out simply here
http://defamer.gawker.com/the-web-has-known-about-josh-duggar-for-years-when-did-1706258269

I'm not going to link to the moronic supporters of the Duggars. And yes, if you are supporting Josh, or defending the inactions or actions of his parents, you are wrong for doing so. I'm talking to the Matt Walsh supporters, the Huckabee backers, the  Ron Comfort sympathizers. You are supporting people who think it's ok for Christians to cover up sexual abuse.

What bothers me about all of the people who want us to forgive Josh Duggar and want us to stop "revictimizing" his victims, is that they obviously don't understand the severity of what sexual abuse does to women. They don't understand the culture of purity that is inherent in the Fundamental church and how it permanently damages those of us who survive it even if we aren't sexually or otherwise abused. They don't understand fully how dangerous the Patriarchy within these sects is and how women are not permitted to feel anything but happy. Keeping the abuse a secret was the re victimization, not the revelation necessarily. I wish that one of his victims had been the ones to tell this tale, but that is not how it works in the fundamental Christian world. I am not happy that the way this was revealed meant that we know who his victims were without their being the ones to tell it. That doesn't seem fair, but it's better for lies to be exposed than buried.

this might be unfair if we didn't see it so often...

I believe that I have touched on this before, but anger is simply not permitted in the fundamental sects of Christianity where patriarchy is the rule. Sadness is a sin. Trauma is a reluctance on the part of the person having gone through it to accept God's grace and peace.

The other thing that bothers me about people wanting us to forgive Josh Duggar is that it is not our place to forgive him. He didn't wrong us personally. His victims may forgive him, but we shouldn't be expected to do so and to say that we forgive him is a slap in the face to his victims.

I am very suspect of the validity of the forgiveness that his victims purportedly gave to him. Remember that within quiverfull fundamentalist families such as the Duggars, to not forgive is a sin. It is very simply not done. 

The Duggar girls would have been given Gothard training materials from ATI on this subject, training materials that very explicitly put blame on the vicitims of sexual abuse as well as on the perpetrator. The page below is from Gothard's ATI, which is where Josh and the Duggar girls reportedly went for counseling. Now, apart from the obvious theological problems with this (gnosticism is what it looks like to me, more than Christianity with the spirit thing at the center, but I am off topic with that), the blaming of the victim and the requirement for forgiveness is evil. Pure evil.

Let's go back to that robocall, shall we? Here's what Michelle Duggar said in that call: "Hello, this is Michelle Duggar. I’m calling to inform you of some shocking news that would affect the safety of Northwest Arkansas women and children. The Fayetteville City Council is voting on an ordinance this Tuesday night that would allow men – yes, I said men – to use women's and girls' restrooms, locker rooms, showers, sleeping areas and other areas that are designated for females only. I don’t believe the citizens of Fayetteville would want males with past child predator convictions that claim they are female to have a legal right to enter private areas that are reserved for women and girls. I doubt that Fayetteville parents would stand for a law that would endanger their daughters or allow them to be traumatized by a man joining them in their private space. We should never place the preference of an adult over the safety and innocence of a child. Parents, who do you want undressing next to your daughter at the public swimming pool’s private changing area?" 

One sentence in this also stands out to me. "I doubt that Fayetteville parents would stand for a law that would endanger their daughters or allow them to be traumatized by a man joining them in their private space." Oh really Michelle? Didn't you endanger your daughters and allow them to be traumatized by a young man joining them in their private space?

The lion's share of the blame in this situation rests with Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar. It also rests in the Fundamentalist and Quiverfull patriarchy mentality that they follow. Blame can squarely rest on Josh's shoulders since he is the actual perpetrator, but at the same time he is the product of his environment and was not given help. When you worship the god of purity, chastity, modesty, and fertility and claim that those gods are the proof and measure of the real God, you will reap what you sow. And what you sow is sadness, hypocrisy, and corruption.