Friday, May 30, 2014

God hates Fats!

The following is written with a healthy bit of snark and sarcasm. Read it in your best Bapticostal preaching voice!

We have a crisis in our society, and in our churches! Fat people, with their fat agenda, have infiltrated all aspects of our lives. They are in the movies, television, online, in the papers, having fat pride parades, and challenging us to stop "fat shaming" them. Let's get this clear, God hates fats. There, I said it, it's in the Bible. Don't believe me? He wants them dead and we are not to associate with them, I have proof.


Proverbs 23:2 And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite.


Philippians 3:19 - Whose end [is] destruction, whose God [is their] belly, and [whose] glory [is] in their shame, who mind earthly things.)

Proverbs 23:20-21 - Be not among winebibbers; among riotous eaters of flesh: For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty: and drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags.

Numbers 11:33 - And while the flesh [was] yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

One of the worst parts of this, these fats are not just in our churches, they are leading churches! All over this great God-Fearing land, they mock us with their sins, while daring to point out any small faults we may have! 

Rev. Charles "Chuck" Dewease, pastor of the First Pentecostal Church of Youngston, is not ashamed to tell anyone his weight."I'm a little over 415 pounds and proud of it."

He says.About ten years ago while reading the book of 1 Timothy, Dewease came under "intense conviction" when he read 1 Timothy 4:8a which says, "For bodily exercise profiteth little." Since that day Dewease has made it a point to avoid any and all manner of exercise, intentionally gaining a tremendous amount of weight to show his "conviction."

"I've never been what you might call a 'small man.'" Said Dewease. "But ten years ago my life changed. It was a liberating and freeing experience when I read that verse in 1 Timothy. I never much cared for diet and exercise, but when I read those words my heart just leaped for joy! I knew that I didn't have to worry about it anymore."


At least Rick Warren is attempting to pray the fat away unlike the slobo above, because that ALWAYS works. I pray that he finds his way back to the fold and repents publicly, forsaking all cookies, chips, cokes, and cake for the rest of his life. I'm sure he will find out that rice cakes are so much tastier and are what God ordained for him to join to his mouth.

Here's a prime example of how praying the fat away works:

TD Jakes, 1997

TD Jakes, February 2013 with his svelte self and his waif-like wife. See how that worked? Pray the fat away, fats don't have any sort of proclivity for gaining weight and fats can control their appetite with Jesus alone!


I don't know who this guy is but he's fat, and he's preaching, so I hate him as we all should if we are Godly people. I bet God will strike him down with a plague, a food caused plague just like He said he would in Numbers 11. I bet he has HDL, all fats have HDL and LDL, he might even have full blown arteriosclerosis. So if you go to his church, don't touch him or get too near, he might infect you.


Here is Pastor John Hagee, spreading his fats lifestyle as normal while trying to distract us with "blood moon" prophecies. Don't be deceived, his being fat is the worse sin. False prophets are never mentioned in the Bible!

Some of the fats are widely accepted and the absolute worst thing anyone can say about any of them has nothing to do with character flaws or theological falsehoods. Nope, it's the fact that they are fat and don't hide it. They shove their fatness in our faces! The fact that some even make excuses like they have a biological proclivity to be fat, that it runs in their family. Fat isn't biological, it's a choice! This is a sin issue, no one has any health issues that cause obesity. No one has a busy life that prevents exercise or any injuries that make exercise impossible. No one's metabolism changes when they get older or have children. Those are lies brought on by the left wing minority.They'll confuse the issue and try to show you studies on thyroids, changing metabolisms, and other made up disorders, even show some research with a supposed "fat gene". They may say that attending church makes you more likely to be obese. Don't read these studies, don't believe the "junk science" and medical professionals. 

It's time to picket these fats.Why I'm getting all filled with the spirit just thinking of purchasing permanent markers and poster boards! I'll get to publicly humiliate myself by holding my poster in front of a krispy kreme den of sin while the fats and closet fats make their way in. God will be so pleased with me! I'll get into heaven, those fats won't! Death to slobos!

 It's time to remove them from positions of power and shun them. Do not allow them to partake of communion, that is a holy sacrament and involves food. You'd just be enabling their behaviour and condoning their sin. And for goodness sakes no more brownies at pot lucks and church fellowships!

It's time to make sure that they don't marry and make other fats when they adopt them or make them themselves. It's time to keep them away from our children so that they don't make them into fats as well. You know that they do that, right? They spread the fat. Don't believe me? They are targeting our children, here's absolute proof, but beware it is not for the faint of heart.


If that's not an abomination I don't know what is.

I have found a potential answer though, in addition to lots of prayer and sending fats away to fat camps to reprogram them into thinking thin.

Two words.

Gay Men

Gay men are apparently more likely to be thin, so we need more of them in the church. It's time to do more active recruiting of gay men for our churches! However, we have to watch out for the lesbians, according to that study they are more likely to be fat, but maybe we can help them to pray away the fat once we get this problem under control in our heterosexual church population. Thank God for gay men!

I will close with this. Above all, God hates fats, and you should too, otherwise you could burn in hell with the slobos.

No comments:

Post a Comment